Here’s one of those lists that your grandmother sent you that first week she figured out email.

Without You, I Would Die

1. Without the USDA, Americans would be eating food laced with feces because farmers don’t know how to grow food, or “Big Agra” would force us to eat meat infested with the poop from genetically modified super-rats bred in a nuclear reactor.

2. Without the FAA, Boeing would have a monopoly on airplanes and all airlines would let drunken pilots fly rickety planes.

3. Without labor laws and labor unions, those planes would be manufactured in freezing (in winter) and sweltering (in summer) factories by 10 year child prostitutes earning fifty cents a week while their homeless, unemployed parents fought each other in the streets for coal and radiated rat meat.

4. Without the FCC, the lucky winner of a weekly child-porn-snuff-gameshow broadcast on a fundamentalist Christian pedophile network would be chosen to fly all of the nation’s airplanes.

5. Without the DOE, only the children of Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives would be allowed to attend schools where the curriculum would be crack-smoking, bible study and “non-whites are bad and lie about global warming” taught by anti-government Atheist Christian Islamic child molestors.

6. Without drug laws, labor laws and the FCC, Wal-Mart would force heroin and crack addicted children to compete in televised duels for the opportunity to be crack whores or pilot unsafe airplanes.

7. Without anti-trust laws, Wal-Mart would be the only store. Half of the year they would only sell products made from the skin, blood and hair of Pakistani children for 99 cents. The other six months prices would be raised so high, children would be forced to work as greeters. And prostitutes.

8. Wthout the FDA, “Big Pharma” would manufacture diseases and sell useless, treatments no one could afford at the Wal-Mart pharmacy.

9. Without welfare, “Big Business” will forbid charity and “the poor” would die on your doorstep while you sit in your mansion masturbating to the 24 hour Ayn Rand television channel.

10. Withouth the DOE and teacher’s unions, teachers would be unemployed. Any existing teachers would be shot at by all of the cancerous heroin addicted children issued guns by “big gun” at Wal-Mart.

11. Without the Department of the Interior, roads would only be availble to rich white people and would be paved over the poor using the bones of the aged as filler.

12. Without the TSA, planes would explode upon departure, or landing, depending on the in-flight movie.

13. Without the FAA, airlines would conspire to every plane that didn’t crash arrive 2 hours late. All meals would contain e-coli.

14. Without ‘the government’ there would be no firefighters or police. Only rich white men would have protection, mainly because they would be the only people with roads.

15. Without labor laws, women’s job interviews would consist of gang-rape conducted by Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives. The handicapped would be kicked in the teeth and mocked during skits at company picnics. Lots of general rape, no lunches and the term ‘work week’ would be replaced by ‘work month’.

16. Without minimum wage laws, employers (Wal-Mart) would throw a twenty dollar bill into a room every month and laugh as employees fought to the death for pay. The winning employee would then be fined twenty-five dollars for damages and raped if female.

17. Without a strong U.S. military presence in every country in the world, those countries without a strong U.S. military presence would be plagued by war.

18. Without Social Security, you will sit in your house watching snuff movies while your grandmother dies on your doorstep.

19. Without an enormous percentage of the budget going towards “defense” the word “defense” would mean “defense”.

20. Without tough, tough, tough, tough drug laws, everyone would be high all the time; especially children because of the forced prostitution to pay for their parents’ drugs.

21. Without the FDA, “big pharma” would never innovate and make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products and there would be not be one effective medication and we would die from eating radiation poop pork in exploding aircraft piloted by children, sick and dying from their bullet injuries and child porn rapes.

22. Without the FDA, shady supplement and quack medicine manufacturers could make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products. Oh. Wait.