Spontaneous Publicity

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need to get ahead!

Interview with a blogger thing.

So odd.

April 29, 2008 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Fanning the Flames

oh, i’m in trouble now. he’s gotten an attorney from orinda to write my agents and let them know that i’m unprofessional. i bet that will kill my career even more than it already is. i should never have taken him on. that was a mistake. he is a powerful man with powerful friends and an ATTORNEY ON FUCKING RETAINER!!! and i am totally and utterly fucked. crap. i’m doomed. i’m really doomed. what really sucks is my plans to make millions and millions by stealing a play and calling it my own are now dashed upon the rocks! shit. how can i ever get over this? i’ve crossed one more hollywood superpower mogul and i bet it’s my last because this is going to really drive the dirty old career in to the dirt. i wouldn’t be surprised if the ATTORNEY ON RETAINER managed to get all of my shitty movies pulled out of late night rotation on cable.

how can i get him to forgive me. i can’t. i just can’t. i’m doomed to even more unemployment.

crap. will i ever learn? damn. damn. damn.

I sent the following fax to all the parties involved. unprofessional with a capital u.

dean cameron
16255 ventura blvd 509
encino, ca
91436

malpractice attorney
261 holly lane
orinda, california 94653
fax - 925 886 6793

“dean cameron’s agents”
10635 santa monica blvd
130/135
los angeles, ca 90025

hello everyone,

apparently, the right honorable john pappas was upset that I didn’t return his calls in a timely manner and has gotten a “lawyer acquaintance” to waste your time as well as mine. I apologize for that.

i’d attempted to help the writer get a theater for his “casual” reading but he decided to have it in long beach on a Monday which was inconvenient for me.

the most frightening thing about all of this is that, instead of following my regular procedure and having him send the script to my mailbox, he seemed like a good egg
and i wanted to expedite the proceedings so i gave him my home address. now I’m actually scared for my safety and that of my wife and I’m hopeful that he won’t show up
unannounced, demanding the 5 bucks it cost him to print a script and send it out.

to protect his privacy i had edited the call before I put it up on my web site to remove his name. I often post calls and correspondence I get from stalkers and other crazy people.

i’ve gone ahead and posted the unedited version with his name included, as well as the fax with the official looking “attorney letterhead” with the p.o. box. it would seem that he’s hurting for business. maybe the two or three people who visit my site each week could use a malpractice attorney.

below is my reply to the “writer’s” harassing voice mail. make special note of the section where I request him to perform an unnatural act upon my primary sexual characteristic as if another, lower, part of that area is full of air and he is drowning. my choice of words, of course, are a bit more “earthy” and the follow-up is truly vile. (though quite pleasant, truth-be-told.)

regardless, the request remains open-ended. (a pun!)

though, having a vengeful person that close to my little dinky may be a bit more excitement than this old almost-ran can take. perhaps it’s included in the attorney’s retainer. i can dream, right?

yours in abject terror,

dean cameron

Message-Id:
From: dean cameron
To: John Niko
Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
boundary=Apple-Mail-4–121503500
X-Smtp-Server: smtp.gmail.com:dea ncamero n@gma il.co m
Subject: bail?
Mime-Version: 1.0 (Apple Message framework v919.2)
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:14:06 -0700

–Apple-Mail-4–121503500
Content-Type: text/plain;
charset=US-ASCII;
format=flowed;
delsp=yes
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

I didn’t bail on you and I really don’t understand what the
condescending message and anger at me is all about? Maybe you’re joking.

I tried to get sacred fools for you and when that didn’t work out, I
offered to help you get a theater but you said you were going to have the reading at someone’s house. I asked you if you wanted me to get the info just in case and you said no, you were going to have the reading at someone’s house because you didn’t want to spend any money.

Then you called me in the middle of the day saying you were going to go look at the theater and i should meet you there, somehow assuming that I was around or available. I wasn’t. I’m not. I don’t have much of a life, at all, but I’m not able to drop everything and scurry over to east hollywood to hold your hand and look at a theater that I’ve seen a whole bunch.

You don’t need to call and talk to me in a condescending voice like
that. Spend three fucking dollars at kinko’s or print it out like the
rest of us.

Maybe you’re joking but it doesn’t sound like it. I tried to help you
and you’re angry at me. Fascinating.

Instead of me sending the script back, how about this:

Suck my cock like you’re drowning and my balls are filled with air.
Then I will roll over and you can tongue my shithole.

Amazing.

—
dean cameron
www.deancameron.com

The message is here. It’s too much trouble to post the original where he says his name.

April 24, 2008 | Filed Under 'thatguy', acting b.s., half-cocked ranting, revealing too much, the "good old days", v.o., wife | Leave a Comment

Videos

I added two videos wot I directed to the “projects” page.

glutton falls is a short film & fat girl is a rock video for metal skool aka steelpanthermetalshopdangerkitty

April 23, 2008 | Filed Under half-cocked ranting, musicianing, the "good old days" | Leave a Comment

Dr. Belknap

Oddly, one of the things that kept me alive growing up in Norman, Oklahoma was the boy scouts. I ended up becoming an eagle scout and then went on and was in an explorer post. the things we did at that time would cause national scandals now, but it was the 70’s and things were different. regardless, it was great fun and i made lasting friends and learned some good stuff and can still recite the trustworthy helpful-friendly-courteous-kind… thing.

One of the “dads” who spent his spare time wrangling a bunch of insane kids was Dr. Hal Belknap. He was insane and a great guy. He was a great man who never forgot what it was like to be a boy. Dr. B. died this week and, you know, that happens, but I’ve been thinking about him a lot more than I thought I might.

When the streets in Norman snowed over, he would tie a big plastic bowl/sled thing to the back of one of their cadillacs with 15 or so feet of rope and drive. I played in a band with his son, Hal, and lived fairly close by so I was one of the lucky ones who got invited to go sledding. Dr. Belknap would drive like a crazy person (which he basically was) around the neighborhood with a kid on the sled, rounding corners until the person on the sled bit it violently into a tree or parked car or something. Then some other fool would jump out of the car, get on the sled and hang on until physics made it impossible to do so any longer.

Down jackets would be ruined, pants ripped, soaked with ice and snow. hands would be so cold you couldn’t close or open them. we would have cuts and bruises and scratches everywhere. you could even lose a shoe or a boot. it was violent insanity with Dr. B. at the wheel and that is exactly what was called for. He was able to provide that on more than one occasion.

For at least 2 years in a row, the explorer post would travel to South Padre Island, Texas, for the pre christmas fishing trip. The trip never materialized because the seas were always too rough, but Dr. Belknap would somehow enlist at least one other poor sucker idiot dad to drive another car full of 15 year old boys for a weekend camping on the deserted sand dunes.

The drive down was stupid insane and, again, would cause a national furor now. you had at least two cars full of kids throwing water baloons, trash, fruit, bags of urine, cups full of tobacco spit (we all “dipped” skoal at the time) at each other. the cars would get trashed.

then, we’d hit the texas/oklahoma border. they sold fireworks year round so we would buy gross upon gross upon gross of bottle rockets and roman candles; literally buying all of the bottle rockets & roman candles a stand had in stock. many of those would be shot at the cars and if you were in Dr. Belknap’s car, you were assured a “victory” as he didn’t mind laying back for a while and then making a 100 mph ambush on another car. Or, he’d exit the freeway and then floor it so he could get back on the freeway ahead of the other cars so we could throw shit at the other kids in the cars who had sane people driving them.

once we hit the dunes of south padre island, Dr. B. would find a spot to camp conveniently far, far, far, far away from us. Us would be 10-15 guys and a couple of the girls in our explorer post. (No, we didn’t do any sexy time with them.) They were cool girls who were in our post. We were insane, not assholes.

The rest of the night was a bottle rocket war. it was beautiful. thousands of bottle rockets being shot at your best buddies in the crisp december air of south padre island, texas. bundled up with layers of clothes, goggles, hats, gloves… the air was cool enough so it wasn’t too hot… the layers protecting us from the few bottle rockets that would hit. the hits were surprisingly few and the injuries were zero. not a one. and, you know, there might have been a 7-11 about a mile away that someone might have been able to buy a case of beer from.

i’m thinking how, in this ultra-safe padded world, if one were to read on the news about an explorer post who drank beer and shot bottle rockets at each other, there would be a national outrage. bill o’reilly’s plastic face would be stretched beyond the breaking point and all the hippies would be shaking their heads at how we were probably gaybashing hitler youth who didn’t have enough love. but dr. b knew that he was taking us to an enormous bounce house for 15 year old boys (and a couple of really cool girls) and knew that we were responsible enough not to do something truly stupid. plus that the dunes were soft and forgiving enough and we were strong enough to take on anything that another 15 year old who had downed two beers, wearing two down jackets, trying to stop laughing long enough to “aim” a bottle rocket over a windy sand dune could dish out.

i am waxing sooo nostalgic, but it was absolutely the perfect definition of ‘innocent fun’.

So yeah. So… dr. belknap is gone. long live dr. belknap. and, you know, he wasn’t just a crazy freak who knew how to drive like an idiot in the snow, he was also a genius doctor who did trailblazing stuff in his field.

the picture of him here should give you an idea about how he was. look at his face. those smile lines. happy. excited to be there. the kind of doctor who would take your temperature, look at the thermometer and say “yep… about a quart low…” the photographer was probably laughing and having a hard time holding the camera steady, right? dr. belknap just told him a joke; said something really funny. maybe not. maybe i’m romanticizing the past. i doubt it.

i was reading his obituary and he had started another boy scout troop. even after his son was long gone. he was just a guy who was part of norman. i’m sure the behavior became “appropriate”. that’s good. we were a rare breed. we knew how to deal with freedom.

back then, both sides had that unspoken agreement about pushing the envelope.

i will manage to not write “these kids today” but i wasn’t able to keep the tears in.

they broke the mold with him. he was a great guy. look at that smile. man.

April 22, 2008 | Filed Under half-cocked ranting, revealing too much, the "good old days", travel | Leave a Comment

day care

quick one…

thought that a great name for a daycare center would be:

“The No Place”

That’s all. Next caller.

April 22, 2008 | Filed Under half-cocked ranting, revealing too much | Leave a Comment

System of a Down

While transferring files for the site overhaul, I found this gem.

I never understood System of a Down. But, I’m not the target audience so it doesn’t matter.

Here’s a little System of a Down ditty I whipped up one afternoon a few years ago:

system_of_a_chicken

April 13, 2008 | Filed Under half-cocked ranting, musicianing, the "good old days" | 2 Comments

Amazing World

It’s a great world. Someone I kinda/sorta knew back when I was a young man aksed me to do a reading. The last time I saw him was a few years ago when he was nice enough to come see SpamScam and we’ve kept in touch since then. Tried to help them get a theater for the reading this coming week. “No, I’ll just do it at a friend’s place.” Then, he notified me that it would be in Long Beach at 6:30. “Sorry, can’t make it.” You might be able to figure the rest out from the call.

Never Get Out Of The Boat

April 11, 2008 | Filed Under 'thatguy', acting b.s., revealing too much, the "good old days" | 1 Comment

oprah and fiends

I often do this thing called “testing the bruise”.

I think about something that hurts to see how much it hurts.

When I was dragging through the mud of a really rotten breakup, I would think about her in many combinations of other guys, etc. That’s when I came up with testing the bruise.

So, to test the bruise in my tolerance of bullshit, I listen to Oprah and Friends aka Oprah and Fiends on XM Radio. One is treated to a stream of diarrhea-like bullshit nearly 24 hours a day. A course in miracles, some asshole making people feel bad because their closets aren’t organized and the big O herself with a cock named Eckhard Tolle.

Apparently, he’s written some life-changing book and they’re doing a ten week series consisting of Oprah and Adolph Tolle going through all the chapters of his book.

What it really is, mainly, is two stoners sitting around reading Richard Bach and doing bong hits. (I have first hand information about what this is like, by the way). The Tolle guy will spout some aphorism and she’ll “translate”.

Remember the scene in Animal House?

“… you mean there could be an entire universe inside my thumbnail?”

That’s basically what the hour consists of.

Today, on “testing the bruise”, they talked about being present and in the now and how if you were present or in the now, the future and the past became unimportant. And then, Oprah and Adolph immediately began talking about the past, how not being present in the past was bad, and the future… how they could use this principle to handle situations in the future. This coming on the heels of living in a way that you wouldn’t know what the future held. “The next time you’re at a family gathering and your sister begins giving you a hard time…” that sort of thing…

It completely killed my robot.

One of the things that assholes do is create their own language and this asshole is no different. He talks about the “Pain Body” and then… fuck, I don’t fucking know… some bullshit.

You know, I’m all for self examination… I AM BLOGGING, FOR FUCKS SAKE, RIGHT? So I don’t mind being self-indulgent. OBVIOUSLY. But… I’m not as big of an asshole as that asshole.

A woman called to basically aks permission to mourn the death of her father six years ago. Asshole Tolle said something like “you sound like you’re dealing with it in a healthy way…” and I knew he was a dick.

Back to the matter at hand… making up bullshit.

Assholes do this thing. They put words together in interesting ways and it’s mistaken for being enlightening. All they’re doing is poetry… using the language in an interesting way. But if you’re bored with your life or stoned or trying to sell books, it’s spiritual.

So, at dinner tonight, with the help of the bride, I wrote the following things for you fine people to think about to get your miserable lives back on track. Okay? You can paypal the money to dean at mightycheese dotcom, okay?

Here we go, my flock:

Choose the colors of your silences.

Remove the objects you’ve attached to your fears.

True happiness lies in the distance between breaths.

Knowledge isn’t the vocation of happiness, it’s the location of happiness.

Wisdom doesn’t lie in the faith of knowledge. Wisdom lies in the knowledge of faith.

We become more human when we discover the value of change.

You are capable of outstanding if you are capable of understanding.

The value of change is priceless and yet change is free.

Removing “all” from challenge leaves you with “change”. The extra e is for extra pee.

(that’s for those who remember channel j)

To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional path.

variations:

To lead an exceptional life, we must follow an exceptional leader.

To lead an exceptional life, we must lead with no exception.

Life is about the grace of the approach and the approach of grace.

Your eyes will only deceive if your eyes are unable to receive.

Learning lies in the choices you make with your time and what time makes of your choices.

When we are passionate about our grace, we will gracefully discover our passion.

Expect the appearance of miracles where you accept the appearance of miracles.