Here’s one of those lists that your grandmother sent you that first week she figured out email.
Without You, I Would Die
1. Without the USDA, Americans would be eating food laced with feces because farmers don’t know how to grow food, or “Big Agra” would force us to eat meat infested with the poop from genetically modified super-rats bred in a nuclear reactor.
2. Without the FAA, Boeing would have a monopoly on airplanes and all airlines would let drunken pilots fly rickety planes.
3. Without labor laws and labor unions, those planes would be manufactured in freezing (in winter) and sweltering (in summer) factories by 10 year child prostitutes earning fifty cents a week while their homeless, unemployed parents fought each other in the streets for coal and radiated rat meat.
4. Without the FCC, the lucky winner of a weekly child-porn-snuff-gameshow broadcast on a fundamentalist Christian pedophile network would be chosen to fly all of the nation’s airplanes.
5. Without the DOE, only the children of Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives would be allowed to attend schools where the curriculum would be crack-smoking, bible study and “non-whites are bad and lie about global warming” taught by anti-government Atheist Christian Islamic child molestors.
6. Without drug laws, labor laws and the FCC, Wal-Mart would force heroin and crack addicted children to compete in televised duels for the opportunity to be crack whores or pilot unsafe airplanes.
7. Without anti-trust laws, Wal-Mart would be the only store. Half of the year they would only sell products made from the skin, blood and hair of Pakistani children for 99 cents. The other six months prices would be raised so high, children would be forced to work as greeters. And prostitutes.
8. Wthout the FDA, “Big Pharma” would manufacture diseases and sell useless, treatments no one could afford at the Wal-Mart pharmacy.
9. Without welfare, “Big Business” will forbid charity and “the poor” would die on your doorstep while you sit in your mansion masturbating to the 24 hour Ayn Rand television channel.
10. Withouth the DOE and teacher’s unions, teachers would be unemployed. Any existing teachers would be shot at by all of the cancerous heroin addicted children issued guns by “big gun” at Wal-Mart.
11. Without the Department of the Interior, roads would only be availble to rich white people and would be paved over the poor using the bones of the aged as filler.
12. Without the TSA, planes would explode upon departure, or landing, depending on the in-flight movie.
13. Without the FAA, airlines would conspire to every plane that didn’t crash arrive 2 hours late. All meals would contain e-coli.
14. Without ‘the government’ there would be no firefighters or police. Only rich white men would have protection, mainly because they would be the only people with roads.
15. Without labor laws, women’s job interviews would consist of gang-rape conducted by Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives. The handicapped would be kicked in the teeth and mocked during skits at company picnics. Lots of general rape, no lunches and the term ‘work week’ would be replaced by ‘work month’.
16. Without minimum wage laws, employers (Wal-Mart) would throw a twenty dollar bill into a room every month and laugh as employees fought to the death for pay. The winning employee would then be fined twenty-five dollars for damages and raped if female.
17. Without a strong U.S. military presence in every country in the world, those countries without a strong U.S. military presence would be plagued by war.
18. Without Social Security, you will sit in your house watching snuff movies while your grandmother dies on your doorstep.
19. Without an enormous percentage of the budget going towards “defense” the word “defense” would mean “defense”.
20. Without tough, tough, tough, tough drug laws, everyone would be high all the time; especially children because of the forced prostitution to pay for their parents’ drugs.
21. Without the FDA, “big pharma” would never innovate and make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products and there would be not be one effective medication and we would die from eating radiation poop pork in exploding aircraft piloted by children, sick and dying from their bullet injuries and child porn rapes.
22. Without the FDA, shady supplement and quack medicine manufacturers could make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products. Oh. Wait.
I actually didn’t write this book on account of i’m lazy and incoherent… but, if I weren’t lazy and incoherent, this is the book I would write:
I don’t know this Greta. I have a feeling we disagree on lots and lots and lots of stuff… But, she addresses any questions about living without a god that you might still have in this new millennium.
From the “me me me me me me me” department.
A festival crowd in Sweden singing along to one of the Steel Panther tunes I co-wrote.
Back before you were born, there were only a few television channels and television was a way for people to make money. Amazing, right?
So, there were these people who had some money and they decided they wanted to start a new network. They had one show. A new program called Star Trek – The Next Generation, with a British guy as the captain of the enterprise. That was going to be their “flagship” show, but they needed content.
The plan was start in a couple markets on one night and then gradually take over. Fox was beginning to do well so…
The three shows that got the green light for this new network were:
Shades of L.A. – A cop in l.a. who can see through stuff or something.
She-Wolf of London – A girl in London is a Werewolf but has to move back to Los Angeles when the budgets get cut because the new network is tanking.
They Came From Outer Space – Two brothers… no real brothers, i mean… yeah.. two brothers from another planet.. no that comes later. They come to earth to meet girls. And, they feel each others feelings so when one guy is getting laid, the other guy can feel it. It’ll be great. It’ll be the only one hour comedy on television. Ever. (I think).
Stuart “the great” Fratkin and I had just come back from doing Ski School in Canaduh and had become buddies. We both got auditions for this “They Came From Outer Space” show. We aksed if we could go in and audition with each other. We ad-libbed a lot of the audition and we ended up getting the parts.
The show only aired in three cities: L.A., New York and Pittsburgh(!?). That’s why you’ve never seen it or heard of it. It’s now on DVD.
Soon, we will do an OddComment of some of the episodes.
It is definitely hit and miss. The last 10 episodes are “really good”. Yes, that’s in quotes. It’s hit and miss. There are some wildly funny scenes and there is some true crap, as well. That’s what happens when you’re shooting 11-12 pages a day for six months.
But. I had a lot of hair. Also, Stuart was in a committed relationship (he’s with her to this day!!) and I was single and trying to get over the girl who broke me. So you can watch it and see who I get along with. Wink.
The sad part of all of this is that they aired the show all of the time. So much so that when ever I ran into people who’d done guest starring roles, they’d say “Dude, you must be getting rich! I’m getting so many residuals!!! Oh, man!!!”
Well, no. We got royally and completely skrewwwwwed by someone. Not sure who did it. Maybe it was Universal. Maybe my manager. Maybe Finnegan-Pinchuk. Maybe Stuart’s manager. Maybe a combination of the above. Maybe it was just incompetence. But definitely SAG. It’s when SAG became my enemy. Ah well. Who needs a house at 30?
Yes, I’m still pissed about it. Sorry.
As a professional front end coder, I developed a huge crush on jQuery and have several books on the subject. It’s an exciting time to be a front end dev and jQuery is one of the reasons.
The first thing you’ll notice about Natalie MacLees’ jQuery for Designers is her gentle yet confident voice. She assumes very little experience with coding, but is never condescending or “cute” like some beginning tech books.
Each chapter of JFD takes the reader/student through a collection of jQuery scripts that accomplish various tasks that one uses in the “real world”. From tarting up links, through slideshows and tabs to an excellent chapter on forms, she writes as if she’s sitting next to the reader offering patient guidance as you discover the power of jQuery.
The structure of each chapter is simple and effective:
– What you’re going to do.
– How to do it.
– What you just did.
After a section where you write code, Natalie gives detailed explanations of why you wrote what you wrote and, like good teachers, she’ll let you know what you don’t need to know. A sort of “just do this… i’ll explain later…”
(Speaking of “This”, JFD has one of the best explanations of “this” I’ve seen!)
As the tasks become increasingly difficult, Natalie shows the student where previous concepts are being re-used and how they fit in with new concepts. If you go through JFD from cover to cover, you will definitely be able to call yourself a jQuery ninja.
Like jQuery, the book is platform and browser agnostic, though the screenshots are from a Mac.
If you are just starting out, get this book. It will stay with you through your career.
Even though I was given an advance copy of JFD for free in exchange for a review, it has a permanent place on my iPad as a go-to jQuery reference.
He has modestly removed the six zeroes from the total views. Not only does he say very nice things about me and acts like he has ever seen Hollywood Palms, seek but he pimps the Bill of Rights – Security Edition.
(cross posting this to deancameron.com & securityedition.com woohoo!)
http://www.adventureclubpodcast.com/2012/06/sequence-39-dean-cameron.html is me talking about my favorite subject: Me!
There were some *minor* technical difficulties because I failed to let them know I had Skype so… whatever. It’s ME. What more would you possibly want?
Who thinks I should do my own podcast?
I’ve gushed about Scott Horton from antiwar.com. Like Penn Jillette, his superpower is the deeply eloquent rant. When I get passionate and angry about things I care about, I begin stammering even more and don’t help whatever cause I am attempting to stand up for.
Penn and this Scott Horton fellow, are able to say the most extraordinary and succint things about the subject they happen to be ranting about.
So… A few weeks ago, I’m listening to Antiwar.com/radio and Scott Horton unleashes a rant about Ron Paul vs. the other presidential candidates that was so wonderful I could almost not believe it.
I scrambled to track it down and, like the stalker I’ve become, have transcribed it here for you to scoff at because it is idealistic and passionate and we all know that those are two qualities that we have no use for, right?
Without further dodo… Scott Horton on a beautiful rant.
The audio is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thrCLWDkMU0
“We had such ample opportunity to blow it.
It’s like when I was a kid and they said well, if you never hear of xtianity, and never had opportunity to be converted to xtianity then you don’t go to hell forever.
So my thing was – Isn’t it kind of unfair to travel to hither and yon and go to strange places and mention xtianity to people where it’s not likely to take but it’s likely to go ahead and condemn them to an eternity of hell fire of damnations because they did not convert when they had the chance but didn’t take.
that’s what this is, too:
Ron Paul’s run is just making the American people so much more guilty of the most heinous sins, man.
You had two chances.
Two, giant you know… silver, golden platter chances
Peace. Bring the troops home. Close the bases around the world. Bring ’em home. Put the navy on our shores pointed out. And just leave ’em there.
We could be a normal country in a normal time.
We could end the empire.
We could end NATO.
We could let the people of the world make it their own way the best they can the same as we’re trying to make it ours.
We can do that!
We can re-instate our bill of rights.
We can get rid of these free speech zones.
We can get rid of the persecution of bradley manning.
We can get rid of all the people awaiting military tribunals or maybe none at all if our government doesn’t think that they can even win at a military tribunal.
And get rid of all drone assassinations. And all of the rest of the violations… all of our the… national security agency spying on us and all the PATRIOT ACT and all. We can get rid of all of that.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
And Ron Paul he walks the walk. You can look it up: the Freedom Agenda Act of 2007 repeals all of it. The whole 21st century national security police state: Gone.
The authorization to wage war in Afghanistan and all the domestic police state stuff, too. Abolish homeland security. Abolish the TSA. It doesn’t have to be this way.
We don’t have to just keep printing money until the gov’t… and the… well, until the division of labor in the markets in our society completely fall apart and people starve. Which is the way we’re going.
Um all they know how to do is just keep printing money. And that’s one thing he knows better than them – is how to stop.
And the path we’re on – it’s trouble. You can only borrow so much and then you can only print so much new money to buy that debt that you created before people start questioning it.
Too much. Too often. Too many people in too many places all in the same day.
And wait a minute: do we really have faith in the full faith and credit of the u.s. Government to pay us off in dollars that are worth anything when we buy this debt.
That’s the way we’re headed. Like argentina. Like weimar germany.
…and here you had every chance to convert to liberty. And you blew it america.
You blew it.”
I’m trying to understand this:
In 2008, the wise, progressive and super-smart voters of California, voted AGAINST gay marriage and FOR Barack Obama.
In 2012, the cousin-fucking, retarded, banjo-playing idiots of North Carolina voted AGAINST gay marriage.
In 2012, the president of the United States voiced his support for gay marriage. May ninth, 2012. Not when he was campaigning. Not when he was a community organizer. Never before in his public life has our current president ever said “Yeah, people who love each other should be treated like everyone else by the government. They should be able to get a permit from the government to… um… love each other… or something. They should be treated equally.”
He said this today. In 2012. The first time.
But the people in North Carolina who decided to vote are ignorant, cousin-fucking retards and our 49 year old president is a hero because at 49, he has said in public that everyone should be treated equally.
Please explain this to me. I am not getting this.
Today’s Two Minutes of Hate: The Voters of North Carolina. Let’s all scream at them at the top of our Facebook lungs for two minutes, shall we?
Maybe I’m a joke. If I am, it’s sad. If not, cool.
Namechecked on Psych: