Thanks to the Jesse Hawthorne Ficks, I went to the Alamo Drafthouse in San Francisco for an evening of people just digging on me.
I’ll write more about that later, but there were buttons made and, since I’ve returned, people have been wondering where to acquire these babies.
Well… wonder no more.
I’m charging a little more than cost to pay the legal fees for me selling buttons with my own unauthorized image on them.
this also appears on rationaldad.com
One of the things I’ve said many times on my Tantrum/Art Installation/Political Theater Project, http://www.securityedition.com is that we, as adults, know that being searched everywhere we go is wrong and is completely antithetical to what “Being American” means, and yet our children are growing up in a world where going somewhere and being searched is a given. They are being trained, if you will, to believe that something is odd if there isn’t a search.
They are being taught to play that game that’s so popular now. The “IF I WERE A TERRORIST” game.
HOW TO PLAY THE “IF I WERE A TERRORIST” GAME
You hear people saying it if they go somewhere with large crowds and minimal to no security. “A terrorist could just walk in here and blow this place up.” Most recently, the Edward Snowden “controversy” has seen talk radio guys playing “IF I WERE A TERRORIST”. It goes a little something like this – hit it: “All a terrorist has to do is go somewhere like wikileaks and they have all the information they need to blah blah blah blah blow up blah…”
Propaganda like this article is a great way to get people to start thinking like good citizens. In fact, the article from the Orlando Sentinel says that “A survey of travelers conducted by Valencia College this year found 96 percent were satisfied or very satisfied with their TSA experience…”
Whoop De Frickin Do.
WE KNOW BEST, CITIZEN
Here’s a rockin logical fallacy from a JetBlue exec:
“…airport officials should not fool themselves into thinking that a switch to a private company would magically make all the lines go away…”
That’s right, citizen. Your overlords know best for you. There is no reason for you to concern yourself with this important business. After all, it’s merely a minor inconvenience when compared to the possibility of the type of evil those big bad terrorists want to perpetrate. Remember: They hate our freedom!
Whew… got that out of my system.
Okay. Here’s some more from the article:
“Officers have discovered an average of about a gun a week so far this year, while checking 37,000 bags. Nineteen guns have been picked up this year, compared with 40 last year. That’s the highest number of guns found at any airport in the state.
During 2011, TSA officers confiscated almost 18,000 prohibited items, not including liquids, and referred 481 passengers to law enforcement, resulting in 57 arrests.”
Those 19 guns are the ones they’ve found, right? If you are human and understand there’s absolutely no way the extremely competent TSA has prevented every gun from being taken on an airplane, you must understand what that means: Guns have been taken on airplanes and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
Do I think that guns should be allowed on airplanes? I don’t know. I’m just saying that guns have obviously been brought on airplanes and all is well. Even suggesting that guns should be allowed gives ME the shivers. And I’m a whackjob.
THE AUTHORITY SONG
We’re raising our son to be respectful of others. Navigating those who have no respect for anyone is a difficult prospect, especially when those people have the ultimate power.
As you were, citizen. As you were. There’s nothing to see here.
Here’s one of those lists that your grandmother sent you that first week she figured out email.
Without You, I Would Die
1. Without the USDA, Americans would be eating food laced with feces because farmers don’t know how to grow food, or “Big Agra” would force us to eat meat infested with the poop from genetically modified super-rats bred in a nuclear reactor.
2. Without the FAA, Boeing would have a monopoly on airplanes and all airlines would let drunken pilots fly rickety planes.
3. Without labor laws and labor unions, those planes would be manufactured in freezing (in winter) and sweltering (in summer) factories by 10 year child prostitutes earning fifty cents a week while their homeless, unemployed parents fought each other in the streets for coal and radiated rat meat.
4. Without the FCC, the lucky winner of a weekly child-porn-snuff-gameshow broadcast on a fundamentalist Christian pedophile network would be chosen to fly all of the nation’s airplanes.
5. Without the DOE, only the children of Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives would be allowed to attend schools where the curriculum would be crack-smoking, bible study and “non-whites are bad and lie about global warming” taught by anti-government Atheist Christian Islamic child molestors.
6. Without drug laws, labor laws and the FCC, Wal-Mart would force heroin and crack addicted children to compete in televised duels for the opportunity to be crack whores or pilot unsafe airplanes.
7. Without anti-trust laws, Wal-Mart would be the only store. Half of the year they would only sell products made from the skin, blood and hair of Pakistani children for 99 cents. The other six months prices would be raised so high, children would be forced to work as greeters. And prostitutes.
8. Wthout the FDA, “Big Pharma” would manufacture diseases and sell useless, treatments no one could afford at the Wal-Mart pharmacy.
9. Without welfare, “Big Business” will forbid charity and “the poor” would die on your doorstep while you sit in your mansion masturbating to the 24 hour Ayn Rand television channel.
10. Withouth the DOE and teacher’s unions, teachers would be unemployed. Any existing teachers would be shot at by all of the cancerous heroin addicted children issued guns by “big gun” at Wal-Mart.
11. Without the Department of the Interior, roads would only be availble to rich white people and would be paved over the poor using the bones of the aged as filler.
12. Without the TSA, planes would explode upon departure, or landing, depending on the in-flight movie.
13. Without the FAA, airlines would conspire to every plane that didn’t crash arrive 2 hours late. All meals would contain e-coli.
14. Without ‘the government’ there would be no firefighters or police. Only rich white men would have protection, mainly because they would be the only people with roads.
15. Without labor laws, women’s job interviews would consist of gang-rape conducted by Wall Street and Wal-Mart executives. The handicapped would be kicked in the teeth and mocked during skits at company picnics. Lots of general rape, no lunches and the term ‘work week’ would be replaced by ‘work month’.
16. Without minimum wage laws, employers (Wal-Mart) would throw a twenty dollar bill into a room every month and laugh as employees fought to the death for pay. The winning employee would then be fined twenty-five dollars for damages and raped if female.
17. Without a strong U.S. military presence in every country in the world, those countries without a strong U.S. military presence would be plagued by war.
18. Without Social Security, you will sit in your house watching snuff movies while your grandmother dies on your doorstep.
19. Without an enormous percentage of the budget going towards “defense” the word “defense” would mean “defense”.
20. Without tough, tough, tough, tough drug laws, everyone would be high all the time; especially children because of the forced prostitution to pay for their parents’ drugs.
21. Without the FDA, “big pharma” would never innovate and make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products and there would be not be one effective medication and we would die from eating radiation poop pork in exploding aircraft piloted by children, sick and dying from their bullet injuries and child porn rapes.
22. Without the FDA, shady supplement and quack medicine manufacturers could make bloated, unrealistic claims about their products. Oh. Wait.
From the “me me me me me me me” department.
A festival crowd in Sweden singing along to one of the Steel Panther tunes I co-wrote.
He has modestly removed the six zeroes from the total views. Not only does he say very nice things about me and acts like he has ever seen Hollywood Palms, seek but he pimps the Bill of Rights – Security Edition.
(cross posting this to deancameron.com & securityedition.com woohoo!)
Rocktober 26th is the 10th anniversary of the USA PATRIOT ACT. Let’s stand up and cheer for that, shall we?
Or how about hanging our heads in shame. That’s the day that citizens and politicians went bonkers and passed laws limiting the freedom of citizens in the name of security. A concept that the founders of this country were opposed to.
The fine folks at Downsize DC are pushing for the repeal of the USA PATRIOT ACT.
It doesn’t matter that it’s wildly unconstitutional. It doesn’t matter that it was passed in haste with no one actually reading the thing.
What matters is that it’s wrong. Plain and simple. Allowing a government to spy on its citizens is wrong. Incarceration without a trial is wrong. Right? Right.
I urge you to visit them.
Here’s my letter to my reps:
Subject: Repeal the Patriot Act
I want the Patriot Act repealed.
I know that everyone was all fired up to “do something” after the World Trade Center was destroyed by religious people, but now we all know that the USA PATRIOT ACT was a very bad idea.
The beautiful thing about laws in a free country like ours is that they can be repealed! Right? Right!
Here’s your chance to make history and do something good.
Trash it. Throw it away and don’t look back. The rights that have been violated in the name of “security” over the last ten years beg you. (figuratively, of course… i’m not a complete nut!)
I dare you to do the right thing. C’mon. Come on!
Mr. dean eikleberry
xxxx x xxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxx
burbank, CA 91505
The campaign used to send this message can be found here: https://secure.downsizedc.org/etp/repeal-the-patriot-act/
U.S. Citized tires of feeling unwelcome upon return to own country… Hilarity ensues.
I was detained last night by federal authorities at San Francisco International Airport for refusing to answer questions about why I had travelled outside the United States.
The end result is that, pills after waiting for about half an hour and refusing to answer further questions, I was released – because U.S. citizens who have produced proof of citizenship and a written customs declaration are not obligated to answer questions.
* * *
“Why were you in China?” asked the passport control officer, a woman with the appearance and disposition of a prison matron.
“None of your business,” I said.
Her eyes widened in disbelief.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“I’m not going to be interrogated as a pre-condition of re-entering my own country,” I said.
This did not go over well. She asked a series of questions, such as how long I had been in China, whether I was there on personal business or commercial business, etc. I stood silently. She said that her questions were mandated by Congress and that I should complain to Congress instead of refusing to cooperate with her.
There is also a wonderful list of replies to the folks calling him a… wait for it… DOUCHEBAG for refusing to answer some questions.
I take the red line from NoHo to my excellent job Downtown every day and Metro takes me to the dark place inside myself that prematurely turns me into a grumpy old man. Or… grumpier old man if you must.
I don’t care what idealized vision you have of mass transit, but it’s awful.
I began riding it to work when I was a code monkey at LegalZoom.com in Hollywood. It is mighty convenient and the places I’ve worked get some sort of tax break or something, so they reimburse me for my parking and my metro pass. That’s pretty great.
Driving in L.A., however, is worse than the subway, so since showbiz has put me out to pasture and I must work 5 days a week for the money my loop group friends make in a few hours, I’ve been fortunate enough to land jobs where I can ride the subway to work. (If you think I complain, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard a loop group person complain. “They made us do THREE TAKES of grunts!!!”)
The L.A. metro is awful. It is just awful. It’s noisy and uncomfortable. The passengers are inconsiderate and rude. Since we’re mass transit customers, we are basically sheep. An upside to that, I suppose, is that everyone obeys the rules; mainly the “no food or drink” rule. Which is nice as I’ve been on the train when there are people who don’t follow that rule and, well, if it’s not your own food, it smells like doo.
When I first began riding, it was filled with homeless people. They would just ride it all day… back and forth from Union Station to North Hollywood. A stop has been put to that. They clear the cars at the termination point, but it was soooo weird.
I get a cup of the finest coffee (7-Eleven… Seriously.. best coffee around, but those little creamers suck my nutz badly.) and hold it. It cools off nicely by the time I get to 7th/Metro. You would not believe the “discussion” I got into with a security guard. I have a hard enough time with authority figures, so the fact that I’m not in prison to this day for head-butting an idiot with a badge who couldn’t understand that “holding” is not “drinking”. The sign doesn’t say “No food or drinks” it says “No drinking or eating”, sir. Wildly different.
Besides the fact that it’s free for me and I don’t spend as much on gas as I would (two things I’m certainly not ignoring… I’m grateful for them), if I can get a seat (more on this later), I can manage to “sleep” for the 25 minutes of the trip.
It’s an odd sleep. I’ve only ever really fallen completely asleep once. Aks the bride: I often have um, “active” dreams and this one was no different. I was strangling someone in the dream. In the real world that becomes squeezing the cup and splling coffee everywhere.
Maybe the security guard had a point. Whatever. Dick.
Back to the whining and complaining that I do so often and well:
At first, I was excited because I was actually riding the subway to work and saving money and could lord it over any hippie like a composte or hybrid car. But at a certain point, which takes about 4 years it seems, the excitement wore off and I realized “Wait a fucking minute. The L.A. Metro is just a very fast and expensive bus.”
I do what I can to block it all out. I listen to books. Angry Birds helped me through it all for about a month. I sleep. But… that’s once I’m on. That’s the least horrible part. Probably because I’m usually asleep or something.
This is what I see on the Los Angeles Metro EVERY DAY:
1) People running to STAND on the escalator.
This is a two part peeve – (great name for a band!!!)
First, there is a simple etiquette observed on escalators: Stand on the right – walk on the left. The rest of the world understands this… why can’t we in Los Angeles? B) If you’re in such a hurry, why stand on the escalator? Why not continue walking?
I know why, actually. Because people are standing on the left side of the escalator. Since this is Los Angeles and we are all narcissists and can do no wrong, suggesting to someone that they move to the side one step is met with “IF YOU WANT TO WALK, TAKE THE FUCKING STAIRS!!!” I hate confrontation. Why? Because the ones in my head end up with me throat punching someone.
2) A “Cool Kid” sitting on the steps at the NoHo Station as the rush hour train lets out. It’s already an unpleasant mom scene. We understand that you are a rebel and are mad at the world, dude, but really, how about sitting somewhere else? We notice you. You are tortured. We get it. And another thing. Pull up your fucking pants.
3) Men not offering their seats to women or the elderly. Today, March 31, on both trips I got up to offer my seat to a woman and it was promptly snaked by a man. A man younger than me, by the way.
It’s called chivalry. Look it up.
4) “Cool Kids” and others running from the train and pushing people so they can sit down on the bus.
The NoHo red line ends on Lankershim but it continues on as “the Orange Line”, which is just a space age looking bus. Bus drivers love to leave people behind, and every loser in L.A. who rides the bus knows this, so when the train arrives at the NoHo station it is a sprint from the train to the Orange Line. It’s so depressing. It’s like something out of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”. This crush of humanity… young kids, mothers with strollers, your cleaning lady, aformentioned “Cool Kids”, middle-aged proessional types, students. It makes me realize that if something bad were to ever happen in the subway, it would be, um, bad. I hope to be killed instantly so as not to a) be trampled to death or worse, b) watch people trample others to death.
5) That same “cool kid” blowing a “snot rocket” onto the platform from the train. Fortunately, I’ve only experienced this sort of joy a few times (today, being one. Lucky me!) But: Dis.Gus.Ting. It’s not cool. It’s really not. Dude, we know you don’t care what we think about you. We can tell because you’re dressed like all those other rebels who don’t care what anyone thinks about them. And dude, you’re not that cool. When I was your age, I had a job and a car. You’re riding the bus, loser. (yes, I know…)
6) The heartbreaking sight of a middle-aged to elderly woman, running to the elevator because no one is going to hold the door for her.
See previous comment about subway explosion.
7) Hey, “Cool Kid” again. That song that you’re singing along to *is* great. But… you’re riding the subway. You’re not on stage. I don’t think you ever will be, actually. Someone being “private” in public is so different from someone actually being private in public. Make sense? No. Didn’t think so. Oh yeah: Pull up your pants. Idiot.
8) The person who gets mad at me because there is permit parking and because I, personally, can’t sell them a parking pass.
You, the taxpayer, are actually paying for my parking space at the NoHo station. My work gets some sort of subsidy for reimbursing me for my train ticket and parking. I also claim it as an expense because I cheat on my taxes. Regardless, I have a parking pass. I had to make an effort to buy it. It’s not difficult, but I did make the effort. After about10am, there are NO spaces left at the NoHo station. If you don’t have a permit, you can park in the permit area at 11am. From about 11-1, it’s impossible to find a spot to park.
And… because everyone in the world is entitled to everything, that woman who overslept because she went to see Ke$ha at the Universal Ampitheater the night before can’t find a parking spot at 10:00am. So she drives around a few times and comes over to the permit side and wants to me to tell her everything there is to tell her about permit parking. Invariably, they get mad at me (REALLY!) because they can’t just buy a permit. Becasue I’m a dickhead and there are three other cars that look exactly like mine, I’ve begun telling people that “they never check that one section over there.” and “the fine is only $7.50 if they do catch you.”
I think it’s about $45. I hope so.
In addition to snot rocket man, today there were two young women with bibles. Again, they were being “private” in public. One was reading a passage (Acts, by the way) while the other one followed along. After they were finished, the first one said something like “I think it’s about blah blah blah…” and the other one disagreed; her interpretation was a little different. The first one replied, convinced she was right… she read the bit again. Her friend stopped her in the middle…. “Yeah, right there… they’re saying that…”
This is how wars begin.
On my subway. To hell.
Make no mistake, though: I’m happy to have a job and I’m thrilled I don’t have to drive.
I’d much rather be doing movies & t.v.
And I want a pony. A green one.
Wow. It’s been quite a week.
- The bride and boy are ill. In the bad way.
- Security Edition cards were linked on an extremely popular blog called Daring Fireball.
- Lawrence O’Donnell had Penn and the hero, John Tyner, on his show and they talked A LOT about the Security Edition cards.
- Penn went on the Wolf Blitzer show and basically did a commercial for the Bill of Rights – Security Edition cards.
Nuttiness. In the good way. Except for the bride and boy being sick. That is no damned good. I think we’ll just end up going to Marie Callendars for bird slaughter day. I’m taking the lad by the grandparents.
In other news, I did an interview with a very nice young person at the Horror Hound convention. He put it up here:
There’s good stuff about the convention and, most importantly: ME!
Happy turkey slaughtering. I, along with most everyone else who has a non-retail job, have the next four days off and that is good schtuffs.
“I’ll never do one of those autograph show things…”
Next weekend, I’ll be in the other Sin City: SinSinnati, Ohio at HorrorHound Weekend. Signing autographs and saying…
- “I don’t know where Gary Riley is… I read he died in a car accident, but received email a few months ago from someone claiming to be him and that person, at least, seemed extremely alive.”
- I’m not sure Ski School II made enough money to warrant a Ski School III
- I think Rockula is underrated, as well.
- That’ll be 10 bucks, please.
Glib, unnecessary pessimism aside, I’m actually looking forward to it. “Esquela de Sommero”** turned me into a full-on horror fan and there are going to be some people there that I’m looking forward to seeing, if not meeting. Horror fans are the best kind of people because they are passionate and do-not-give-a-fuck. There is also going to be someone there who an old girlfriend cheated on me with years and years ago when I cared about those things, so that should be nifty.
I will be away from the bride and child for longer than I like (at least that’s what I’m saying in public) and that will be a huge drag. I don’t envy the bride having to deal with an infant who has decided that waking up at night every 3-4 hours and screaming is the way to go about things.
**that’s Summer School in the language I made up