I quit… no, really..
After a bit of discussion, I signed on to play a sadistic plastic surgeon in this movie:
http://thegolfmovie.com/
It should be very fun. An old friend, Drew Rosenberg, is directing and I get to write off all my trips to the driving range and such. Yep, my golf will keep children from getting medicine! Yay!
Speaking of sports… I really hate sports. Following a team… thinking they give a fuck about you… Fighting with people because of bullshit. And… soccer riots. Hockey riots. Basketball riots. Football riots. Really dumb.
But, I sure like playing tennis.
I played back in the high school. Tournaments, “the team”, all of that. I haven’t played, more than a couple of times, since 1980. That’s why I decided to join the Los Angeles city league and begin playing matches against people who do play all the time.
About a month ago, the first time I hit a ball with another person was, literally, my first match. And, since I’ve spent most of the year in a blue funk, I’ve um… put on some weight and was out of shape. So, the first two matches I played, I was remembering how to play and I was winded and in pain, so I forfeited the matches. Then, I played someone else when I was sick and forfeited that one, too.
And it brought back all of the stuff I used to go through in my head about winning and losing and hurting someone’s feelings… really nuts. But I was finally able to let all of that crap go and won two matches last week.
It’s pretty cool. My body is staging a bit of a mutiny. At least my right knee, wrist and elbow. Ice is my friend.
Yeah, playing bass, web programming and tennis. It’s good for the tendons. Oh yeah.
Voice activated computing is going to come along at just about the right time, me thinks.
Speaking of voice. The bride and I got the jesusphone.
Pretty damned cool. Yep.
ONEOFUS!
wheat wheat wheat wheat
We want to be a part of something, a tribe, a pack, a family. Church used to be a good place for that but fortunately for all of us, fewer people are going to church. The problem is that church and religion are being replaced with stuff that can be more dangerous. Bad science and bad information.
Man, I miss the good old days when religion dealt with invisible bullhockey instead of tangible bullhockey. It was so much safer then. (Within my lifetime, that is… The crusades and Spanish Inquisition seem like it was a pretty unsafe period.)
Food Allergies, specifically WHEAT, seem to be a growing religion.
Like the environmental religion, food allergies have some connection to reality. There are people who are truly allergic to wheat. The gluten in wheat is what the unfortunates who suffer from Celiac disease are allergic to. Take a couple bites of bread, pizza, etc., and there is a possibility that you die. It’s a serious allergy.
“Crap-Based Medicine” (thank you, Dr. Steven Novella) preys upon people who “don’t feel good”, as it’s such a wonderfully subjective complaint. Wonderfully subjective complaints are best treated with wonderfully subjective cures.
First off, a “wheat allergy” can be responsible for weight gain!!! Cutting out wheat will help you lose weight. No, really? Here’s the thing: Simply focusing on what you eat is an important part of losing weight; keeping a written record of your diet is one of the first things an evidence-based dietician or doctor will suggest you do to lose weight. The success of many diets like Atkins, is that you are removing something from your diet. If you can’t eat carbs, you can’t grab a muffin at 7-11 after work… you’re eating fewer calories. Remove wheat, you remove A LOT of calorie-opportunities from your life. If anyone removes wheat from their diet, they’ll lose weight. (Does that mean that we are all allergic to wheat? Google “wheat allergy” and you’ll find a couple of folks who actually believe that to be true.)
Thanks to the placebo effect, if you’re “not feeling well” and you’re told by someone you respect that x will help, you will most likely feel better. The wheat allergy diagnosis is also accompanied with the “Big Bad Food” and “Big Bad Chemical” arguments with a bit of conspiracy thrown in: The food companies sell you things that most people can’t “process naturally”, mainly bread. Plus we all know about those chemicals they indiscriminately pump in to our food so if you remove wheat from your diet, you will feel better.
By cutting out wheat you:
- are doing something
- have a special diet
- are standing up to something larger than yourself
- are beating “them”
- are no longer part of the crowd
each one of these have a religious analog… david/goliath, chosen one, dietary restriction, etc. You’ll also be exposed to literature you’ve never been aware of before… you’ll have a “good book”.
It’s been said over and over, so I will join the club and say that with all of the information out there, it’s really important to be able to tell the good information from the bad information… the, er, wheat from the chaff, as it were.
The genius writer, Eddie Gorodetsky, coined the phrase “comedy-like in nature”. He’s talking about something that has the look and feel of comedy; it sounds or looks funny but isn’t. (Hello, redundant!) Sitting around and repeating the catch-phrases from Saturday Night Live is “comedy-like in nature”. You’re not doing the work, you don’t have to even understand what is funny, you only have the appearance and the result of the work.
Saying you have a food allergy is science-like in nature. It sounds like science. It sounds like you know what in the heck you’re talking about but you might as well just say “Quantum” or “E equals M-C Squared!”. And, with so much science around us, we want to feel like we know what the hell is going on. But science is difficult and boring. A control group isn’t exciting won’t get you the attention at a restaurant that a food allergy will.
I think that if you want to be a part of a special club, actually joining a special club is the way to go. A softball team is so much better than a club who spreads bullhockey.
odd comment dot com
Awhile ago, I figured that if I was going to end up as a one hit wonder, which I’m still not resigned to being, I might as well figure some way to tastefully cash in on it.
I like developing web stuff with Colin Summers and I like talking about myself. Hmmm…
There are lots of movies out there which will never be released on dvd with a bunch of fancy extras, especially audio commentary. It’s just not worth it to a studio. But… there are always going to be people who are a little bit interested in something someone has to say about their favorite movie.
I’m thinking of folks like Steve Buscemi or Eric Stoltz or Kyle Maclachlan… guys who have done a shitload of movies that people love but the movies never got the kind of attention they deserved.
Who knows, “Bodies, Rest and Motion” may be someone’s favorite movie and they’d pay a buck and a half to download an audio commentary. Maybe Ski School II. We’ll certainly see, won’t we?
Which brings me to:
It’s got that nifty interCap thing that all the web 2.0 kids are using. On the other hand, it uses real words… which may be a strike agin’ it.
Right now, there are a total of one OddComment commentaries to download. Wouldn’t you know it… Summer School. Go figure.
Patrick Labyorteaux, Richard Horvitz and I got together and watched the movie and talked about it. If you’re interested, purchase and download the commentary, pop in your DVD, when the Paramount logo is visible, start the audio. It’s similar to the method of watching The Wizard of Oz and listening to The Dark Side of the Moon.
I’m hoping to add a few more of the things I’ve done fairly soon. It’s a pain in the butt wrangling creative types… even if it’s to talk about themselves!
If you know showfolk who have stuff they want to pimp, send ‘em my way.
And yes, I will be opening it up at some point for anyone to record commentary about any movie. Who wouldn’t love to hear Richard Dawkins & PZ Meyers do commentary about “Expelled: The Movie”? But right now, I want to limit the focus.
The Players Directory
There’s this book, The Academy Player’s Directory, which is a couple of huge volumes with actor’s pictures in them so producers, casting folks have easy access. “Who is Dean Cameron” “Turn to page 387 of Younger Leading Men” “Oh… him… no…”
One has to renew a subscription every year to get their photo in. When I didn’t I received an email:
Dean,
As a valued past customer, we’d appreciate your input.
It would greatly help our future marketing efforts if you would take a moment to reply with a brief explanation as to why you choice not to renew your listing and let us know at what cost would you consider listing again in the printed Players Directory.
Best regards,
Players Directory
So I wrote back…
I’VE GOT NO FUCKING CAREER AND CAN’T FUCKING GET ARRESTED AFTER HAVING STARRED IN A BUNCH OF FUCKING MOVIES BECAUSE THE FUCKING INDUSTRY AND EVERYONE IN IT IS FULL OF FUCKNG SHIT.
Any more questions?
Today, I received this from them:
I appreciate your “honesty.” I’ll remove you from email list.
It’s nice to know that someone reads spam replies.
Writing a Screenplay
I think it’s no secret that I am seriously awed by the guy who does drunkenstepfather.com
It’s totally nsfw and if you just scan it, it looks like a very dirty celebrity blog and, yeah, that’s part of it, but every now and then the guy will write some prose that slays me.
I’ve written him a couple of very fruity fan-email and he wrote me back and now we have a bit of a pen-pal thing going on which invariably leaads to show-biz.
Looooon boring story turned into short boring story… I sent this to him:
HOW TO WRITE A SCREENPLAY
Writing a screenplay is easy. Seriously.
1 your main character is a person who wants something. by the end of the script, the person has gotten something else he didn’t know he wanted.
2 write down 50 ideas for scenes on the tops separate sheets of paper.
3 put them in the order you think they should be in.
4 in the middle of each sheet, write the location of the scene, the time of day, etc… you know in script format:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Dean is writing an email to a genius.
5 Add some sort of description of where the person is or what the person is doing that illustrates what kind of person he or the main character is. so…
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Dean is writing an email to a genius. There is a pyramid of diet coke cans and unopened mail on his desk. A dog sleeps next to a dog bowl next to a ripped open 50 pound bag of dog food. The phone rings.
6 Then, add the worst dialogue you can that shows what the conflict in the scene is. The conflict MUST advance your story or advance the character… we must learn something in this scene that we do not know. You may only write two lines of dialogue. later you will go back and fill this in and make it better. but first… you are limited to two lines. thusly:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Dean is writing an email to a genius. There is a pyramid of diet coke cans and unopened mail on his desk. A dog sleeps next to a dog bowl next to a ripped open 50 pound bag of dog food. The phone rings.DEAN
(yelling over his shoulder)
GOD DAMNIT, WOULD YOU ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE?DOG
You are so lazy. why don’t you answer the phone. the drunken stepfather guy is from the f.b.i., anyway, you has-been!
Dean faints at the sound of his dog talking.
7 You do those sheets until you have all of your scenes written with two lines of dialogue or two lines of description and they can’t be good. you can’t make them good at this stage. so you may have a car chase:
EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT - RAIN
A car hits an old lady who bursts into flames and melts spiderman’s balls.
The cops cut him off and the driver is scared of spiders because they throw spiders at him.
The idea is to take as much pressure off yourself being good as you can because that’s where everyone fails. they start a script and it sucks (they all do at the beginning of the process and most do at the end of the process, ass well) so they never finish them.
8 finish those 50 scenes… maybe add some… take the ones out that you don’t feel you need.
9 Then, go back and fill in each scene. fill in the dialogue. fill in the description. you’ll have at least 90 pages. you really only need 100. *try* to hit these landmarks:
pg 1-20 set the character on his journey
pg 21-50 throw a bunch of obstacles in his way
pg 51-70 he fights the obstacles but by page 70, it looks as if all is lost
pg 70-90 he figures out a totally new way to win and does. make sure that yu don’t have deus ex machina unless you’ve set it up that it would work. if it does, though, it’s not deus ex machina.
your first draft will suck like country music. you rewrite. make the main character interesting enough for your favorite actor want to pester his agent and the studio to do the movie. then each subsequent draft, focus on one character and make the character interesting enough that a star will want the part. keep rewriting until that’s true of every character… even MAN #1 and WAITRESS.
10 After you’ve made it interesting for the actors. make it interesting for the cinematographers. the wardrobe person. sound, etc.
The key is having enough people waving your script around saying I HAVE GOT TO BE A PART OF THIS MOVIE!!!!!! and then you get 30-90 million for your stupid fucking movie.
That’s how you write a fucking script, sir.
Next caller
Oh Canaduh!!!
As part of my nut Libertarian craziness, I did a pro-bono (cough… free… cough) voice over for my crazy friends who want drugs to be legal… imagine, letting free people control what they do with their bodies… which you can see here: The Incarcarex Video
Well, Canaduh wanted their own version except for the first time in history, it’s not a rotten, not-as-good, knockoff of an original.
It’s an actual Canadian version.
Man, I love the multi-colored bong. It makes me to laff.
http://www.blackmustache.com/work/incarcerexCanada/incarcerexCanada01.html
WTC Bounce House Slide
In fifty years, less if we factor time compression, there will be a World Trade Center bounce house. It will be really tall and kids can jump from windows to the bounce house pavement below. There will probably be some really cool technology then so there will be fire and you can feel like you’re hundreds of stories high.
Why is this in your head, you aks?
To wit:
The slut you don’t take to dinner…
Remember her? Or him? That person who would come over at 11 and screw your brains out and then leave. Different than a booty call because she thought that if she hung in long enough, you’d finally see how cool she really was. You’d realize that just because she was available and nice to you… because she actually liked you and thought you were a good guy… it didn’t mean she was less than some idealized girlfriend you had in your head. She was actually one of your most successful relationships, but you never thought about it that way because you were waiting for something *shinier* or something. You thought that it was important that you won a girl over… If a girl was available and ready to hang out, there was something wrong with her.. or she wasn’t impressive or something.
Showbiz is like that.
The people you know and are friends with aren’t good enough to work with professionally. If you’ve worked with them before, that’s all they can do. There’s someone better, otherwise, the person you’d worked with wouldn’t be available. Plus, “The Studio” or “The Producers” have “a guy” they want to work with. Maybe you’ve actually heard of that person… Maybe not. It really just means that their agent has been working really hard to get them a gig and has been calling the head of the network every day for a week. “The Execs” wants you to work with that person because they don’t want to be wrong; It’s the path of least resistance. They’re “excited” about that guy, which could mean any of the following:
- they’ve heard his name more than some other name
- one of their wives thinks he’s good
- the least amount of people don’t not like him
- their boss likes him
- there was just a thing about him in that thing the other day
- he is the most talented person who has ever lived and will change art as we know it
- they have a holding deal with the guy
- they have a development deal the guy
- they’re trying to get a holding deal with the guy and want to prove they mean business!
- someone sent a clip of the guy on youtube this morning
- they think he’s someone else
- he’s fucking someone’s secretary
- “um… i have a lunch in one hour across town… if you say he’s fine… “
Summer School
Last year, I did an interview here at the house for the special features for the 20th anniversary of Summer School. The bride and I watched it and I didn’t come off like a dickhead, which is always my biggest fear. Pompous or pathetic. They didn’t use the “funny” stuff I did like show the thing Carl Reiner wrote that said “If you don’t become a big star I don’t know anything…” and offering to take him on a walk around my estate here in North fucking Hollywood.
That was probably a wise move on their part.
This weekend, the bride went to a wedding in Le Vegas…
digression
Another reason to hate weddings - “Hey, we’re getting married!!! Why don’t you ruin your long weekend, drive in horrible traffic and pay inflated hotel prices on a holiday weekend and give us some gifts!?!?”
/digression #forgive
…so after she left, I figured I’d watch the commentary Reiner and Mark Harmon did.
About 5 minutes in Reiner says “everyone thought he’d break out and hit it big… shame… someone should have done something with him” or something to that effect.
As I shut it off, I couldn’t help but think “Um, Carl Reiner, you know *you* could’ve done something with me.”
Ah well.
That’s fucking showbiz, innit?
I wonder if people would be interested in audio commentary from me and the other people who were in Summer School. I wonder if people would pay for it.
I will be finding out within two months.
oooohhhhhh how very cryptic!!!
Spontaneous Publicity
This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need to get ahead!
Interview with a blogger thing.
So odd.